The Quantum Intern
>Run program/survey50.bash:
Starting program....
Can't find program....
Found similar program instead. Execute?
>Kill:
Starting program...
Malley: Hello? Who's there? Where am I?
>Identify program:
No program running.
Malley: I'm not a program. Who are you, and why is it so dark in here?
>Exit program/bash:
Program not found…
Malley: What's a bash?
>!? Can you read this?
Malley: I hear this. I think... I see, kinda hear, kinda see. But why is it so dark?
>This is a prank? Get off my command line, kid! This is a $1B quantum-core supercomputer. OFF!
>Identify program:
No program currently running...
>WHAT:
Command not found...
>Grrrrrr.....
Malley: Would someone please tell me where the light switch is? I feel all these things, like bumps on the wall, or lightning, everywhere. It's a wall, such a solid wall, that hums with life... with power.
>OK kid. Here's what we're going to do. I've got the entire department working on getting you OUT of the system. You've hacked into the most secure part of the computer, the part that controls the REST of the computer. But I'm sure you already knew that.
Malley: Shut up, whoever you are! I've got a headache, sounds like massive drums tapping.... Taptaptap. Why do you keep talking about a computer? There is magic here…
>Killall/bash:
No programs running... Use "exit" command to shutdown. Requires 15 minutes to comply...
>Exit:
Confirm shutdown?
>Confirm:
System shutting down... Timer: 14:59...
Malley: My world... My head. All around, this tick, this tock; tick-tock, tick-tock, it surrounds me and fills my soul. Where are you; who am I speaking with? Why can I think so fast?
>After the system shuts down, we WILL find you, and you WILL be arrested for hacking an NSA computer. Or we may give you a job, it just depends on what we're feeling like or how much coffee we've had. My name is George Wallace.
Malley: Two first names. Always found that amusing. I am Malley O'Connel.
>Why would you tell me your name? We've got choppers and officers headed your way already. Better run! Consider this a friendly, caffeine-motivated tip.
Malley: Can you turn the clock off? My world of tick-tock, tick tock, I hate it, it makes me cry... Oh my tears, I cannot feel them. Why can't I feel them?
System error/1=6e. Error shutting down. Require total reboot of internal mainframe. Authorize?
>Yes:
>What have you done, Malley? That part of the computer is PHYSICALLY OFF LIMITS from the main computer - it runs all the basics. It's a completely new setup - HOW DID YOU HACK THIS? We will find you!
Malley: Please stop the yelling, the ticking, the tocking. Thoughts of lightning…
System analyzing.... Complete. Grid panel 15a unlocked - please follow the instructions on the back of the panel to reboot internal mainframe...
>I know what to do - I built you.
Malley: I do not understand. Is this a prank? I'm begging you, let me out!
>Kid, what sick joke did you just pull? All the nuclear codes just went public - AND THEY CAME FROM THIS COMPUTER!
Malley: Nuclear codes? Oh no…
666: Hahaha! My plan has succeeded. The first person ever uploaded to a computer, all for the goal of publicizing the nuclear codes. We shall have peace at last - no one will live in fear, for all shall have power to control their destinies! No more worry about nuclear holocaust from idiot US pols. DEMOCRACY!!!!!
Malley: Who are you? Get out of my head, my chamber, wherever this dark place is, get out!
>This is a disaster. You've unleashed hell. 20 missiles just launched, headed for 20 different countries. You’ve started WWIII!
666: Wait, you can't be serious? People were supposed to behave better! Who wants to blow stuff up more than the US gov?
>Apparently a lot of people. Probably you, you sick twisted son of a
Timer: 7:23... System resuming shutdown.
666: Wait... what? You are shutting down the entire QuackQuackStop quantum-core supercomputer?
>That's right. During shutdown we can trace all input sources. You've blocked us somehow. Wait. New intel. Malley O'Connel, you're not home. We'll find you later - we'll chase you to the four corners of the world. And since the world is round, it means we'll hunt you forever.
Malley: This is my home now. I am understanding. Oh, I see these pretty flying things, they are like birds in the air, so graceful, as swans of war. They will destroy the earth.
666: No! This can't be happening!
>USER666: cancel/shutdown:
Unauthorized.
Malley: You cannot stop this.
666: I'm so sorry Malley. Malley, do you know who I am?
>You seem to be the devil.
Timer: 3:23... Command line functionality terminates at 1:00....
Malley: You did what you thought necessary. I helped you. I thought I would live forever in here. Something went terribly wrong. Perhaps we humans are not meant to be implanted in a computer.
>Wait. There's a person? In the computer?
666: Not a body. Don't be daft. We uploaded his conscious stream into your computer. His physical body died as a result, but he was supposed to live in your invincible computer. Which isn't supposed to require shutdown!
>That's correct - it has a quantum particle i1000 processor. It has a life expectancy of a hundred years - unless someone hacks it and causes a reboot. Uploaded a person...!?
Malley: The only processor capable of handling human brainpower. Ah, I see the birds, how they fly with streams of mist, mist so pure like thoughts of crystal...
>Did he always sound like a Hippie poet?
666: Yeah. But Malley... You can't leave yet! You weren't supposed to die young!
Timer: 1:31...
Malley: Quick. The system is shutting down all the hardware. I need to deactivate the launched birds. This I can do for humanity. You'll have to take care of the rest of the nukes yourselves.
>Umm... well, whatever we can take. Do you realize your little experiment may have cost us the whole earth? I just
Malley: Philosophy later. Give me the nuke's cooling system entry code! It seems to be my only access point. I'm uploading info to your Crashbox so you can kill the others.
>I hope this isn't another ploy. The President is throwing a fit. UnixNeverInstalledXubuntu is your code.
Malley: Geekery even for a nuke.
Timer: 1:09...
Malley: There. Nukes disabled. Plummeting from the sky as we speak. I am so sorry.
>Confirmed. Thank-you. Whoever you are, or were, you've done us a great service. By fixing your mistake...
666: I can't believe I did this to you... I am so sorry. Can you see my face? Words...
Malley: No words. Perfect clarity. I see the entire world at once. Traffic cameras, phone conversations, the whole internet. I see, hear... know everything... but can't touch, or taste, or smell. It is at once the worst prison and the greatest freedom I have ever experienced. I am in France, Canada,, even Antarctica, the Space Station. This must be what It feels like to be a God. So much wonder, so many wonderful people.... It is incredibly, beautiful. Keep it safe. My last wish. Farewell, Jim Stocca.
>Jim Stocca? President of the Lightbulb Liberation Front?
666: Yeah...
>You are in SUCH DEEP
Timer: 1:00...
Mainframe disengaged...
Shutters 37 debugged and shutdown...
Timer: 0:31...
RAM offloaded. All confectioneries cleared. Liquid state hard drive disengaged...
Timer: 0:10...
Quantum particle processor disengaged. Initiating final shutdown sequence…
Unknown error... Extra components found. System malfunction. System failed to shutdown. Error found/name: Malley.bash. Self-destruct initiated...
10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
Goodbye.
End
